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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28598322">It sounded like a goodbye (But it wasn't)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DevinCarnes/pseuds/DevinCarnes'>DevinCarnes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Episode Fix-it, M/M, in which 15x20 never happened, post 15x18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:27:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,829</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28598322</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DevinCarnes/pseuds/DevinCarnes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>God was gone, lost somewhere in this world. Everyone he had dissolved was back. Jack had left, probably creating a new Heaven, with Amara by his side.<br/>(...)<br/>"I lost my grace."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dean Winchester/Castiel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>It sounded like a goodbye (But it wasn't)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I haven't written a fanfiction in a very long time, but I felt the need to write about Supernatural because my heart and soul needed to fix the way the show ended (which was awful in my opinion). English isn't my first languange, so you will probably find some mistakes. The story is quite short so I won't add anything else. Please corrent my mistakes if you find any. Enjoy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>God was gone, lost somewhere in this world. Everyone he had dissolved was back. Jack had left, probably creating a new Heaven, with Amara by his side.<br/>
“Are you sure you're going to be alright?” Asked Sam, Eileen was waiting for him in a car full of bags and boxes. Dean sighed, “I'm sure,” he said, his back pressed on the door of their house, arms crossed. He smiled -which looked more like an uncomfortable grin then an actual sign of happiness-. Sam hugged him one last time that morning.<br/>
“Call me... you know, if you need me. Or... you feel lonely, or something,” he finally said and got back to the car.<br/>
“Of course,” said Dean. Sam stared at him, they both knew it was a lie.<br/>
When they left, Dean locked himself in, now, his house in the middle of the woods and went straight to bed.</p><p>* * *</p><p>Dean woke up in the middle of the night. Sometimes he still had nightmares, the worst days of his life tormenting him. Or something like the last fifteen years of his life. This time it was Billie and the sound of her hand banging, on that door, of that room, in the bunker he was locked in with...<br/>
Dean took a couple of pills and went back to sleep. It was still too difficult to get used to this new -terrifying- life he had ahead of him.</p><p>* * * </p><p>He was sitting on a stool of the local bar when he got a videocall from Sam. “We're pregnant!” He said next to Eileen, his face half cut by the screen of Dean's new smartphone. He even started waving the pregnancy test in front of their faces like it was a flag and he had just won the battle of his life.<br/>
Dean almost choked on his beer. “Wow, that's fantastic!” He finally said. It really was.<br/>
“Are you looking forward to becoming an uncle?” Grinned Eileen, her face red with excitement.<br/>
Dean laughed. Of course he was. He stared at the bottle he was holding with the other hand. Well, the only thing he could become was the drunk uncle who ruins Christmas for everyone.<br/>
Sam's life was really awesome. Dean couldn't be happier for him. But Sam's life was everything Dean's could have never have.</p><p>* * *<br/>
It was about five months after that day when Dean got a phone call in the middle of the night. It must be Sam, he thought. Eileen was having a difficult pregnancy, he probably needed some help to go to the hospital. He turned the light on, Miracle was sleeping at his feet, but he didn't move at all. When Dean grabbed his phone, he didn't recognise the number. That was weird. “Hello?” he said, his eyes still half closed.<br/>
“Dean.”<br/>
Dean felt his heart explode in his chest. He was definitely wide awake now.<br/>
“Cas?” Was he having another nightmare?<br/>
“I'm at the bunker.” Said Cas, his voice a weak breath. “I need your help.”<br/>
But he hadn't been living in the bunker for almost a year now.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p>Dean only managed to grab the car keys and put his shoes on as he ran to the parking lot. Two minutes later he was already on the highway, speeding like crazy with his heart pounding in his chest.<br/>
Then at some point doubt caught him. Was all this even real? Had he been dreaming? Had he been sleepwalking? Maybe he was drunk again and had taken too many pills.<br/>
But he couldn't go back home at this point. He had to know.<br/>
The road was incredibly dark when he arrived at the bunker's entrance. He parked the car in the middle of the road and when he got out the dry cold air hit him like a train: he was only wearing a t-shirt and a pair of shorts.<br/>
“Cas?” he called, and his voice sounded like a thunder in the middle of nowhere. Was he crazy?<br/>
“Dean,” he heard somewhere in the dark. Dean crossed the street like a maniac, trying to figure out where that voice was coming from. Then he saw it, a dark figure in the corner. “I lost my grace,” Cas said. And in the exact moment in which Dean reached him, he fainted and fell on the ground, exhausted.</p><p>* * *</p><p>Miracle wasn't used to having strangers in the house. And Dean couldn't explain to him that the man sleeping on their bed wasn't a stranger at all, but someone he used to call Family. Sometimes he wished his dog could speak.<br/>
The doctor had left a couple of minutes ago. “He is stable but weak, he needs rest,” she had had said before leaving the house. Dean hadn't been able to explain to her what was going on, how could he?, he didn't even know himself.<br/>
Cas slept all day and Dean rested on the sofa. New nightmares tormented him that night.</p><p>* * *</p><p>When Castiel woke up the room was infused in the dawn's colors, everything was quiet and everything was hurting. He had forgotten how it felt to be human.<br/>
He tried to get up but he couldn't, so he decided to sit instead and looked around, when a dog jumped on the bed and started sniffing at his face. “Ugh!” Was the only sound he could make.<br/>
Then Dean came running into the room to rescue him. “No no no, careful, he's sick remember?” He said and grabbed the dog from the collar dragging him gently off the bed.<br/>
“Hello Dean,” said Castiel. His voice was incredibly rough. “What happened? How long was I asleep?”<br/>
“Two days,” answered Dean. He leaned against the open door in front of the bed. “You called me. You were at the bunker,” he said. <i>You were dead</i>, he wanted to add.<br/>
Castiel rubbed one eye with the palm of his hand. “Ouch,” he said as soon as he realised that he had an IV attached to his arm.<br/>
“You collapsed man,” said Dean. “The doctor said you needed that thing to feel better. What the hell happened?”<br/>
Castiel sighed. He felt dizzy and exhausted. “I lost my grace,” mumbled. Dean looked at him confused, a big question mark on his face. “It was the price to pay,” continued.<br/>
“W-what does it mean?”<br/>
“The Empty,” Dean felt like a stone was just thrown at his stomach. “To let me go, to... to come back. My grace was the price to pay,” said Castiel and they stayed silent for a while.</p><p>*** </p><p>“Are you sure you don't want me to come over?” Said Sam over the phone. Dean opened yet another bottle of beer and threw the cap inside the can at the other end of the kitchen.<br/>
“Yeah, everything's fine Sammy.” He said and took a sip of beer, “Besides, you can't leave Eileen's side right now.”<br/>
Sam sighed. “I know. You're right. Anyway, if you need something, anything, you can call me, alright? You know that I'm here for you, right?” Dean could hear all of Sam's frustration, and guilt, from the other end of the line. Of course he knew. But Sam needed to be with his partner and Dean's problems had to stay away from him.<br/>
“I know,” answered Dean. “You're going to be a daddy soon.”<br/>
They hung up and Dean covered his eyes with one hand. Since when was Castiel a problem?</p><p>*** </p><p>“So, Sam is starting a family,” said Castiel one morning, he had finally gotten up and he was dragging himself towards the bathroom to change into some clean clothes he borrowed from Dean, who was sitting on his armchair in the living room.<br/>
“Yeah.”<br/>
“And what about you?” Asked Castiel, standing in the middle of the living room.<br/>
“What about me?”<br/>
“When are you going to start a family?” Dean stared at Castiel. “I mean, have you found someone?”<br/>
Dean chuckled. “No, Cas.” He looked around in his empty house. Did it look like he was living with someone?<br/>
Castiel was confused. Why was he laughing? “Why-... well, what a stupid question.” He finally walked towards the bathroom. “I just want you to be happy, Dean.”<br/>
“I'm not ready,” just managed to answer Dean, as Castiel closed the bathroom door behind him.</p><p>*** </p><p>Dean couldn't sleep. Well, he hadn't slept much since human, fragile Cas was sleeping in his bed. He was feeling incredibly confused, and sad, and just... bad. He had so many feelings and he didn't know how to name them, or process them, or understand them. He felt like shit and he didn't know why.<br/>
It was the same morning at 7 am, when he had finally fallen asleep, that he heard Miracle barking. Dean jumped up from the couch where he had been sleeping to find Castiel in front of the open main door, patting the dog on its head.<br/>
“What are you doing?” asked Dean and startled Castiel. “Are you leaving?”<br/>
Castiel frowned. “I'm sorry for waking you Dean. Yes, I am leaving.” He was standing in front of the door, still wearing Dean's clothes and a jacket he had lent him on one hand. “Thank you for your clothes, I will return them to you when I...” he stopped speaking right there, probably unable to find the words. “Thank you for taking care of me.”<br/>
“Where are you going?”<br/>
“I-I don't know... yet. I shouldn't stay here. You have your life here, you're going to become an uncle, I can't be here.”<br/>
Dean made a few steps towards him, Miracle came to him to cuddle against his leg. “What life?” He asked. Castiel didn't answer. “I don't have a life, Cas,” he admitted.<br/>
“Well, I guess it's time for me to leave so you can make one.”<br/>
Dean sighed in frustration. He looked around at his very small house. Empty and a mess. “That's bullshit, Cas. It's just the dog and me. Stay.”<br/>
“Dean, I-... you have been sleeping on the couch, well, you haven't slept at all since I came here... I don't want to-”<br/>
“Shut up, Cas... I don't want you to leave... stay.”<br/>
Castiel closed the front door, “Alright... but I sleep on the couch.” So he stayed.</p><p>*** </p><p>They were sitting in silence on the couch, Dean had lost count on how much he had been drinking, while Cas was still holding his first beer, almost untouched. He didn't know what day it was, he didn't know when was the last time he had a decent meal.<br/>
“I'm so sorry Dean,” said Cas, out of the blue, distractedly playing with the label on his bottle. The truth was that none of them had any idea of what was happening. Castiel was his best friend and they had barely had any decent conversation since he had found him almost two weeks before.<br/>
“Uhm?”<br/>
“For trying to leave without saying goodbye,” continued Cas. “And for everything else.”<br/>
Dean had had too much to drink to have that kind of conversation. He cleared his throat, “Uhm, like what?” He sounded like an asshole, he knew.<br/>
“For leaving you,” said Castiel. “I wanted to save your life, you understand?” And everything fell on Dean, again, that horrible day, Chuck, Jack, everyone disappearing, the loss. The terrible months that came after.<br/>
“Yes, thank you about that.” Answered Dean, and now he really was being an asshole. He put his hand through his hair and sighed, that was basically the only thing he was capable of doing these days. He looked at Cas, his expression was incomprehensible and Dean felt guilty for treating him badly. He finished his beer and then put the bottle on the floor. “What exactly happened that day, Cas?”<br/>
“I made a deal with the Empty to save Jack's life-”<br/>
“Yes, I know you told me that. But what happened?”<br/>
“-so that, when I would have been... happy... it would have taken me.”<br/>
That had no sense whatsoever for Dean. He felt rage building inside of him. He got up and stood in front of Castiel to look at him straight in the eyes.<br/>
“Happy? What the hell man? What does that even mean?”<br/>
Castiel stayed silent for a second. “I told you what it meant, Dean. You know what I'm talking about.” Castiel looked almost... scared.<br/>
Dean froze. He didn't want to have this conversation like this. It didn't make any sense. “Why didn't you tell me sooner?”<br/>
“Because I didn't want you to stop me.”<br/>
“Not that! Why didn't you tell me sooner that you <i>loved</i> me?”<br/>
Silence. Castiel swallowed. And then: “I didn't think it was important.”<br/>
“What?!” Dean really wanted to throw things and trash the place. “What the hell, Cas! How could it not be important?!”<br/>
“Because it is <i>my</i> problem.”<br/>
“What does that even mean?”<br/>
Castiel sighed. “Dean, it is a burden I have to take, not you. How could I have told you something like this?” They stared at each other for a couple of seconds. “Since you are unable to say it back...?”<br/>
Dean kicked one of the bottles of beer left on the floor, the glass exploding everywhere. “This is something you decided for yourself! You shouldn't have decided for me, instead of me!”<br/>
Castiel stared at him, a look of pure confusion on his face. “Of course it was all on me Dean, you <i>could't</i> possibly be able to reciprocate.” His voice was incredibly calm.<br/>
“Wh- what the hell, why are you-” Dean put his hands on his face in frustration. “Of course I <i>could</i>! I am bisexual for God's sake!” There, he finally said it out loud. And he hated that he still invoked God even now that it didn't make sense anymore.<br/>
Castiel stared at him blankly. He blinked, still totally confused. “Bisexual?”<br/>
“Yes! Bisexual! Which means that I am attracted to both women and men! I am CAPABLE of being in love with both of them! So stop telling me that I <i>couldn't</i>!”<br/>
“Yes, I am aware of the meaning of the word 'bisexual', Dean.”<br/>
“Argh!” Groaned Dean and turned around, then he punched the wall with another groan. After that he went to the bedroom with big steps and slammed the door behind himself. </p><p>*** </p><p>The following morning, Dean woke up feeling nauseous. He really needed to stop drinking. He got up and Miracle followed him as they entered the living room. “Be careful buddy, there's glass on the floor.” Dean looked around, the room was perfectly clean and tidy. He pretended not to see Castiel balled up on the couch, and went straight to the kitchen. Miracle followed him and sat next to him while Dean was making coffee. He needed something strong to wake up that stopped the hungover. “Are you hungry?” He asked the dog, and it wagged its tail in response. It was in that moment that Dean remembered he had punched the wall the night before. His hand was a bit bruised, but nothing serious.<br/>
“Good morning Dean,” he heard behind his back while he was putting food in the dog's bowl. Castiel was standing in front of the kitchen door. “I smelled the coffee,” he said, as if he wanted to justify why he was there.<br/>
Dean leaned onto the kitchen counter, waiting for the coffee maker to finish. “Yeah,” he just said, unable to start a conversation.<br/>
“How is your hand? You look terrible,” said Castiel.<br/>
Dean chuckled. “I also feel like shit.”<br/>
They stayed quiet until the coffee maker was finished. Dean grabbed two mugs from the counter over his head and poured the coffee for the both of them.<br/>
“I wanted to apologize for making you uncomfortable. And angry,” said Castiel, hiding his face behind the coffee mug.<br/>
Dean took a sip of his own coffee; nausea filled his stomach. He swallowed, disgust painted on his face, and put the mug on the counter. Never drink coffee when you're hungover.<br/>
Never have weird conversation with Castiel when you're hungover.<br/>
“Cas,” he said, rolling his eyes. “You didn't make me uncomfortable. But yes, I was angry,” he said, flushing the coffee in the sink. Castiel raised one eyebrow. “And I wasn't angry because you made a pact to save Jack.” Well, actually also because of that. But that wasn't the point. “I was angry because you didn't trust me enough to tell me something so important. That you loved me, I mean.” And he didn't look him in the eyes as he said it, but started washing the mug with way more soap than needed.<br/>
“Why do you say it as if it was in the past?” Said Castiel, suddenly. He made one step towards Dean, but didn't reach him. He searched for his gaze instead. “I still <i>am</i> in love with you, Dean.”<br/>
Dean swallowed. “Fuck,” then said and threw the soapy mug in the sink. He couldn't believe this was happening to him. “What the fuck, man?” He continued. “Hell, I had finally found some peace! I had finally accepted that you could never feel anything else for me then brotherly love or some bullshit, because, hell, how could a fucking Angel ever fall in love with <i>me</i>?, and then you make that fucking deal with the Empty and decide to tell me all those... amazing things, and declare your love for me! So that you could die! And I couldn't fucking do anything about it,” Dean stared at Castiel, desperation in both of their eyes. “You left me,” he continued. “You left me alone, with that burden. And I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't even tell anyone.” Castiel's expression was incomprehensible, once again. “I had finally moved on, and instead you opened this... abyss inside of me.” Castiel stayed quiet. He knew that Dean wasn't finished yet. “And then you call me out of the blue in the middle of the night to torment me.” Dean sighed and closed his eyes. Well, that was a cruel word. He bit his lower lip. He didn't mean it. “Well, you know what I mean,” he said, his voice just a whisper.<br/>
“I am so sorry,” that was everything Castiel could say. “I didn't mean to... hurt you.” Castiel put his almost untouched coffee on the kitchen table. “But I need to say this,” he continued. “You blame me for opening that abyss inside of you. But, as amazing as I think you are, you're not being fair either. If you <i>loved</i> me, you should have told me too.” Castiel emphasized the past tense of that verb, and left the room. </p><p>***<br/>
<i>“You killed me, Dean. So yeah, no, I don't care about your friends. I don't care about your family. But seeing you here has reminded me of something. There is one thing I'd like, one wish before I go. I'd like to see you dead.” </i></p><p>
  <i>…</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Why does this sound like a goodbye?”<br/>
“Because it is.”</i>
</p><p>Dean woke up in the middle of the night, screaming. Another night, another nightmare. He turned on the light of the lamp beside his bed, sweating and panting. He was sick and tired of those memories. He heard knocking at the door, he looked up. “Dean?” he heard Castiel calling him, then he entered the room. He was holding a glass of water. “May I?” he asked, and Dean nodded, his breath was getting normal again. Castiel came closer to him and left the glass on the nightstand next to the bed. “Are you alright? I heard you screaming.”<br/>
“Yeah,” answered Dean. “Another nightmare. Thank you,” he said and took the water. “Where's Miracle?”<br/>
“He decided he wanted to sleep with me,” said Castiel with a smile, and they stayed quiet as Dean finished his water. “What were you dreaming about?” Castiel looked around for a moment, then sat with crossed legs at the end of the bed.<br/>
“You don't really want to know,” answered Dean and put the glass back on the nightstand. Castiel stared at him quietly. Dean sighed and rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. “Alright then, I dreamt about Billie...” he started. “And then I dreamt you. Dying, all over again.”<br/>
“I'm so sorry, Dean.” Answered Castiel. He had been saying that a lot. “But I'm here, now. I'm not going anywhere.” Castiel stood up and walked by Dean's side, whose eyes hadn't left him for a second. Cas grabbed the empty glass and walked back towards the door. “Good night Dean,” he said and left the room.<br/>
It was a couple of minutes later that Dean said “Wait.” Castiel came back to his room and faced him, “Don't go just yet. Stay,” Castiel didn't answer and looked at Dean and the bed and the room, questioning his intentions. “Did you really mean what you said that day?” Said Dean with just a breath, frowning.<br/>
Castiel took a big breath and this time sat on the empty side of the bed, closer to Dean. “What exactly? That you aren't destructive and broken?” Dean nodded. “That everything you have done, you have done for love?” Dean just stared. “That you are the most caring, selfless, loving human being I will ever know?” Dean looked away for the first time, his fingers tangled together on his lap. If Castiel hadn't known him well, he would have almost said that Dean was... embarrassed? “Yes I do mean all of that, Dean. You truly are amazing and you truly taught me what love means.” Dean looked up at him again, his expression changing at every word. Castiel smiled, “You make me so happy,” he chuckled, “So happy that I'm scared the Empty will take me away from you again.”<br/>
Dean got closer to him, “Oh come on, man,” he said, cupping Castiel's face with both hands. “Shut up. Come here,” and he kissed him. </p><p>***<br/>
“So,” started Sam, pouring champagne in three glasses. The baby was born one week before and Eileen was finally back home.<br/>
“Yeah,” said Dean, standing by his side.<br/>
“You and Cas.”<br/>
“What about it?”<br/>
Sam stared at Dean, smiling. He didn't add anything else for a long moment. “You two are finally getting along.”<br/>
Dean stared at him confused. “Yeah, why?” he scrolled his shoulders.<br/>
“Oh, nothing.”<br/>
Silence.<br/>
Dean sighed. “What do you want to know, Sammy?”<br/>
“Oh, whatever you feel like telling me, Dean.”<br/>
“I don't know what you're talking about,” answered Dean and turned around to leave Sam alone.<br/>
But Sam followed him. “You know,” he started again, handing Dean a glass. “It's probably not my business, but, just in case you didn't want me to know,” he took a sip of his champagne, “You should have told Cas he shouldn't have worn his engagement ring on the day you guys were gonna visit Eileen and me.” Dean looked at him shocked, Sam still smiling behind his glass, then turned to look at Castiel, who was holding the baby and chatting with Eileen. Dean was speechless. “Is the sex any good?”<br/>
“Oh my God, Sam!”</p>
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